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Wondering why I was spared
I’m reminded everyday of my mortality
A sense of urgency
The comfort in having a community
Every day being reminded that I am mortal. I’m every day being reminded that things couldn’t tomorrow. And the thing that annoys me the most is that things could end for me, but I could end for other people that I love.
This is recovery after stroke with Bill Gasiamis, helping you go from where you are to where you’d rather be
Bill from your RecoveryAfterStroke.com. Look, I just wanted to do different version of the podcast today. And there isn’t an interview, it’s just me and I wanted to talk about something that I’m feeling at the moment. And that feeling, something that you might be familiar with as well is sadness. And I feel sad, because I had I learned during the week via social media, that’s somebody that I went to work with in my early 20s, that I really the really appreciate and I really enjoyed their company passed away.
I’m not sure why they passed away, I don’t know what happened. I didn’t know that was sick. In fact, I hadn’t heard from this person, in the last 10 years. And this person wasn’t really active on social media. So I actually didn’t know much about what was going on in his life in the last 10 years. What’s interesting is that when I found out it really affected me, but in a slightly different way than before, when other people have passed away.
Not necessarily because he was somebody that was the same age as me, we grew up together in this period of our lives, we spent our entire days together, we spent our lunch times together, we even went to sporting events together. It affected me because what I find myself doing now is thinking about the person who passed away, which is one thing, and I’m extremely sad that he’s no longer around. And I can’t tell him how much I enjoyed his company. And I can’t talk to him about any of the things that we experienced together anymore, because I missed out and I didn’t reach out, and I didn’t touch base with him earlier, earlier than you know, than this week, I had no idea where he was. And in fact, I lost his phone number. So there was a lot of reasons but now I can’t. That’s just how it is.
And in the same. And in the last couple of months. The other thing that happened was another person who I grew up with in my teenage years and spend some time with in my 20s also passed away. And he’s another person that I hadn’t been in touch with or hadn’t kept in contact with. And both these people were really amazing people. So the sadness is something that’s really full on at the moment, I also have a colleague of mine and a dear friend of mine who is currently really unwell and being challenged by cancer that’s occurring in his body.
Wondering why I was spared
We recently went through another episode of cancer where my sister in law experienced cancer and surgery as a result of cancer. And this has all been in the last two months when there’s people have passed away. And then the last six months when these other two dear friends of mine have gone through these terrible experiences with cancer. But what I found is what’s different is I’m mouring, my friends who have passed. But I’m doing it differently, because I’m now wondering why I was spared again. And I’ve spoken about this before on social media.
And I’m wondering, is it completely random this thing that happened to me where a blood vessel burst in my brain, and it just so happened to be in a spot that wasn’t serious enough to impact my life more dramatically than what it did, which was dramatic in itself. But you know, was it random? What was it I’m just completely and totally and utterly confused? I don’t know why my friends have passed away. And why I’m still around. Now I get I get the wasn’t my time thing. And I’m glad that I’m here. And I absolutely appreciate every moment I have on the planet these days. I get to make decisions and do things and say things that my two friends cannot. And and it just gives me a real sense of dread. It gave me a real sense of dread. Like, if they can pass away, then most probably I can too. And if stroke is not going to give me it’s likely that something else can. And can you see how things are just so messed up for me now I don’t really know, whether I’m coming on going, I just know that things are really tough. And
I don’t there hasn’t been enough time elapsed for me to be able to reflect on it and see how I feel and understand what it’s all about. So I found myself being sad in the past, and you know, sadness occurred because I was unwell because I had a stroke because my business wasn’t going the way i wanted to because I couldn’t afford to do something silly. And when I over thought the process of selling and when I ever thought those challenges that I had made myself said, frustrated, it was kind of out of desperation that I was feeling this type of sad in the past.
I’m reminded everyday of my mortality
But now it’s a completely different feeling around this sad the feeling is is that I’m every day being reminded that I am mortal. I’m every day being reminded that things could end tomorrow. And the thing that annoys me the most is that things created for me, but I could infect other people that I love. And that puts me in a place where I don’t feel like I’m in control. And I really don’t like not being in control. Although I’ve let go of being in control for in these last few years, of some things that really didn’t matter. This is a kind of bizarre version of being in control or not being in control. So it’s just a really strange experience that I’m having. And I don’t know what it’s going to mean in a few weeks. I dearly, miss my friends, I think about them all the time. And I didn’t get any sleep a couple of nights ago and I woke up and that impacted my day.
A sense of urgency
That meant that my left side was numb more often, for longer periods of time. And I wasn’t productive. And they’re all normal things. And I feel like I’m going to grieve them. As time progresses as the year continues, I feel like I’m going to grieve them. And it makes me more it makes me more urgent, I feel like there’s a there’s a greater sense of urgency for me to do things and experience things and stop worrying about money and working so much and doing all the things that we get caught up in in our lives. And even though I try very hard not to get caught up in that stuff. You know, I’m human. So I still find myself going down that path. And I know I talk about people living more simply and doing less and healing more and spending more time meditating, I talk all about about all these things.
But I also get caught up in the needing to pay the bills and needing to get the car fixed, and then to do all the things that we need to do. But urgency is one of those things that really started to kick up a gear for me and I don’t have time that much time left on the planet, I’ve been on the planet for 45 years, and I hype on the planet for another 45 years or more. But I just I know I don’t get depressed or, or, or anxious or, or all those other things that stroke survivors experienced. And I think one of the reasons why ,was because I went and got myself counseling and coaching early on. And have been really adamant of becoming really aware of how I’m experiencing life and actually being okay with it, no matter whether my experience is a good one or a bad one.
The comfort in having a community
And being okay with it doesn’t mean that I enjoy it, it just means that I’ll have to sit it through and ride it out. So I don’t know about you and what it is that you’re going through and what you’re been through. But I find myself wondering much more about stroke survivors and other people who are experiencing, you know, life challenges. But obviously, stroke survivors because I can relate to stroke survivors more I started this podcast, I a way to express myself and listen to other people. And that’s what I did. And what I got out of it is has been amazing. It’s also helped me get some therapy without actually going to therapy because I get to talk to many people on the podcast, and that I’m creating, you know, this community around and they keep me feeling well. And I say that because they can relate to me, I know what they’re going through, and they know what I’m going through. And I don’t feel alone, even though nobody around me in my immediate family understands me,
I feel really well. I don’t want them to understand me either. By the way, of course, I don’t want them to understand me, that still amazing to me. And they still look out for me, they care for me, but they just don’t understand, you know that deep down inside. So I thought the best thing I could do was express myself via my podcast. This will hopefully resonate with some of you. And hopefully, you let me know, if you’re feeling like things are tough, and you’re doing a tough at the moment. And hopefully you’ll reach out to somebody near you, whether it’s a counselor or friend. And you’ll explain to them what it is that’s going on. And hopefully it’ll pass. I hope the podcast episodes do that for you, I hope they do bring some kind of feeling of community and some kind of feeling like you’re not the only one.
And that you are that you are okay to be different in the way that you’re different and okay to be experiencing what you’re experiencing. I’m seven years past it. Well, I’m just seven years into it, and seven years since my first episode occurred. So I’m kind of getting used to a lot of the things that I go through, but I have my bad days. Especially have bad days when I find out that people pass away and I can’t do anything about it. Ican’t tell them that I love them. And I can’t see them and I can’t touch them. I can’t reminisce with them. And we can’t have another good time together.
So that’s why I started this whole thing. And I don’t even know what I’m on about, I just I just know that I needed to do this. And I need to express myself because I’ve been not expressing myself so much. And although I do enjoy joining in on the podcast episodes and interviewing people, I felt like recently, it’s been more about me making it possible for other people to express themselves, which is important for me that they do that. And I think I’ve just done a lot of that recently. And I needed to do that today. What’s annoying as well is that I didn’t get to go to the funerals because I didn’t find out that these people had passed away until after the funerals had occurred. So I couldn’t even pay my last respects. And sure I could go to the cemetery and I could visit the grave site. But it’s not the same because they still aren’t going to be there.
This is one of the most bizarre feelings that I’ve had in a long time. And I really appreciate the opportunity to share this with you. And hopefully you found some value in it. It’s really a great privilege to be able to share this way and to have this forum, this method by which I can share. And by which I can receive feedback. And by which I can you know, hear your stories and feel okay. So that’s about it. I really haven’t. I really can’t iterate what it is that I want to express in in words that are better than the ones that I’ve used. So hopefully I’ve used words that are somehow able to be understood by you.
Feel free to get in touch. Let me know what you’re going through and let me know what you’re experiencing and just reach out to me to somebody else and don’t be doing it alone. Don’t sit there and be doing it alone. Allow yourself. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to share and tell. tell people what it is that you’re experiencing and tell them your deepest darkest feelings because they most likely will understand and most likely will want to support you and help you out. Look that’s it from me Bill from RecoveryAfterStroke.com.
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